My Spotless Mind

She was stunning, had a beautiful aura and the moment she stepped onto the bar I knew that I had to have a lap dance from her. Her skin was softer than a baby. As she proceeded to straddle me I couldn't help but begin to talk to her. She told me her name was Angelina and that she was a local resident in Amsterdam. I made a comment about how her skin was so soft and made a light note of it by asking her what her secret was? She laughed and asked how old I was. I told her that I was 30 to which she then asked me what my secret was to looking so young?

We continued to speak during the course of the lap dance and to be honest, I'd almost forgotten that she was supposed to be giving me a dance because I really enjoyed the conversation that we were having. Later that evening my friends and I were talking and I noticed that Angelina was sitting at the bar by herself having a drink. I decided to go over and talk to her. We ended up talking for the better part of half an hour. She told me that she was a mother of two even though she was only 23 years old. When she told me that I was totally stunned as not only did she look very young too, but she was doing lap dancing as her primary source of income!

As the conversation went on we learned a great deal about one another. I did ask Angelina if she enjoyed being a lap dancer to which she replied that she did, however, she had plans to go study and train to be a make up artist. She was very confident about herself, what she wanted to do and the dreams she wanted to fulfil. We continued talking about various things and life in general. At the end of the conversation, we gave each other a big hug and I said to her: "you're beautiful on the inside as well as the outside!" After that I wished her the best in fulfilling her dreams to be a make up artist and wished her luck for her marriage too!

Two days later my friends and I ended up being at the same bar again. After a while Angelina came onto the bar. Shortly after she noticed me, waved at me and gave me a big smile. She beckoned me over to have another lap dance from her. I reluctantly said yes but as she sat onto my lap it just didn't feel right any more! It felt like I had asked a friend to strip naked and dance for me! I felt very uncomfortable but to express that when you're in a bar surrounded by men jeering you on is not an easy thing to convey. When she finished her dance I gave her a huge hug and whispered in her ear: "I'm truly sorry, but I feel as if you're a friend now and that just didn't seem right to me!" She whispered back; "I know and I could tell, it's because you're different to every other guy I've met, it's ok!"

I paid her the money after which I waited and hoped to see her walk by after she'd finished so that I could speak to her further. Unfortunately I had to leave as my other friends wanted to go which meant that it is unlikely that I will ever see her again!

Just after we left the bar one of my friends was very tired and just wanted to sleep. We didn't have anywhere to stay that night so we decided that he and I would go to the airport and find a quiet corner where he could sleep. My other friends wanted to continue their night out and so we went our separate ways. After we got to the airport we found a good spot where my friend fell asleep. We had 6 hours to kill before our flight and even though I was tired I didn't feel like sleeping. So I sat down and decided to meditate. The whole experience with Angelina came back to me and I spent the better part of four hours and just thinking about what had happened. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I was determined not to cry! It had a huge impact on me what had happened.

I realised that if getting to know someone can make me have a conscience about dancing with this girl then there should be no reason why I find it ok just because I do not personally know the woman, or should I say, the beautiful spirit in front of me. Just like every other man on the planet, I love the site of a naked woman, but that isn't an excuse for me to satisfy my needs by paying a woman to dance for me. I spent much of that time crucifying myself for what had happened. For good reason too, however, I know that beating myself up inside was not going to change what had happened. Nothing could! It was then that I realised that it was part of the my journey of self discovery that things transpired the way that they did. It was no coincidence that I ended up being at the bar both the nights that Angelina was there, considering that she only danced 3 nights a week. It was what I chose to experience. If I didn't have that experience with Angelina there would've been a chance that I would've done the same thing again in the future and continued doing it.

I have no idea if what had happened also had an effect on Angelina. I would love to be able to see her again and tell her the impact she had on me. She probably will never know, but she, in that moment, was my Angel, Angelina.

The question now is where do I go from here? I am always going to be invited to strip clubs by my friends, unless I decide to change my friends! So will I ever go again? Yes I will for sure because as far as I'm I'm concerned it's one place where I still have the opportunity to do some good. Will I ever pay for a lap dance again? No, that is something I will never do again but I have no regrets about what transpired, in fact, I'm grateful! I made my choices, some of which were not the best but I've forgiven myself because out of them, I choose the path to grow.

Even whilst writing this I feel like crying, I know it will come out of me at some stage. But I also feel like a new chapter has opened for me and many new doors will open from this experience.

Thank you my Angel-lina! :)